Selling all the things

 I hate selling things. I have never been much of a salesperson. It’s just not in my nature. I detest trying to “make a sale.” I don’t want to try to convince or persuade anyone to buy anything. It’s just not for me.

And that is really rather unfortunate because we are selling almost everything we own to move halfway around the world.

And what’s worse, is that the way to sell, bit by bit, the things that you have slowly accumulated over many years is to turn to one of the darkest, most sinister, most disturbing corners of the internet… Facebook Marketplace.

I would argue that, even for someone not like myself, Facebook Marketplace is the Devil’s flea market. It is a land of pure frustration, confusion, irritation, and delay.

“Hi Laura, is this still available?” 

“Is this available?”

”I’m interested.”

”Hi Laura, is this still available?”

The messages haunt me in my sleep.

Sometimes, I answer dozens of questions, only to realize I’ve been talking to a ghost. The “interested party” simply disappears into thin air, never to be heard from again.

Other times, the person asks to meet to make a purchase, only to go mad (I presume from demon possession) and suddenly goes on a tirade about how I’m not located close enough to their house despite my listing having a pin on a map showing my location. One lady even gave me a negative review because I told her that I wouldn’t drive an hour to sell her the item that she low-balled me on. “She only thinks of herself!” she wrote. She blocked me too!

Even the neighborhood Buy-Sell-Trade Page is just another kiosk in Satan’s Strip Mall. On one occasion, I had a woman ask if she could pay $20 for a bookcase instead of the $30 I was asking because she’d have to sand it down to repair the 2 cm scratch on one side. I agreed to $20 but insisted that this wasn’t a nice enough bookcase to be sanded down and indeed only had wood-colored cardboard for sides. Interestingly, she had no problems accepting that it couldn’t be repaired. For 3 weeks, she would tell me she was coming to get it, I would haul it out onto the front porch, and then she wouldn’t show. “The weather was bad… I needed a dolly for the bookcase… I need to borrow a truck…” and more. I have no doubt that the Devil had a hand in her bad luck, torturing us both in the process. I would have just given up and sold it to another (possibly crazier) individual but she left $20 cash under the mat on one occasion when she came to pick it up and realized it wouldn’t fit in her car. After a month, I finally offered to bring it to her house for an extra $10. She happily accepted, but also messaged to reschedule delivery TWICE!

Occasionally, I get asked ridiculous questions, clearly meant to torment me. “Is this new in box?” regarding a set of definitely open Lego clearly in a tote with hand-written “LEGO” on top. Or weirdly specific questions about items that are listed for only $1. I don’t know the scroll speed on the wireless mouse, Debra. It’s $1. Buy it and find out.

For over 2 months, my front porch has been littered with art supplies, children’s toys, books, furniture, totes, and more. I frequently have to message people 2-3 times to remind them to come pick up their items - sometimes 4, 5, or even 6 times! One person hasn’t picked up a set of $3 highlighters for 5 weeks! They’re just highlighters, but they mock me every time I walk past them on our porch. I can hear them cackling and whispering to themselves. “Look at her, she thinks she’s sold us. Does she even know if she’s been paid? Will she even notice if she never is? Let’s stay here and torment her FOREVER…”

See this Pandora’s box that I have unleashed? This world of constant posting, updating, responding to questions, arranging pickups, putting items out, following up when items don’t ever get picked up… It is chaos. It is evil. It is Facebook Marketplace.